im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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