I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
