We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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