it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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