I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
