I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
