I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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