i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
