okay pat passed out under dana's car
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
