I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize