just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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