Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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