Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We are two peas in an std pod
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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