he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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