So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
