That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
a search helicopter?!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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