At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
