well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
