there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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