i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
