So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
