Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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