Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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