1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
