I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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