Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
