The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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