Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
