why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
