drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
