When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
