I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize