The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
