There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize