I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
