bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
