There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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