but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
