Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
