I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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