I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
