why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
