remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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