One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
