My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
