My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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