What did we do last night that was yellow?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
