im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
