a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize