My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
