just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
