I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
