I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
