He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
