What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
