The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
